i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
