Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
