her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
