No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
