Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
