we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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