As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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