So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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