I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
