Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize