You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
no you cant smoke seaweed
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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