Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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