I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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