I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
