I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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