Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
