a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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