my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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