i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize