Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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