Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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