My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
