Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
