I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
