I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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