We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Banned from zoo.
Again?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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