His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
