Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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