Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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