there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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