covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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