Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
