When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize