i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
