The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I want to be your penis for a week.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
