you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
