for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
50% drunk capacity currently
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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