new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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