If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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