life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
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