If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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