Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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