tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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