we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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