Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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