cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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