i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
