i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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