Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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