i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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