The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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