Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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