Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
