M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize