note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
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