Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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