He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He better not be in your backpack
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
