Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
