just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Randomize
