I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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