found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
