I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
